ugh, dissociation again

I think my body got left behind in 2019-2020. Life hasn’t felt real in a very long time. And I haven’t felt real in a very long time either. I can’t remember the last time I truly felt like myself. And that ends up leading to the question of what does feeling like myself even feel like? My only answer is…something other than this. I can’t remember the last time I truly felt like I was in my body. Like I was feeling my steps. Like I was engaged and playing an active role in my life. Each morning feels like I press a button. And I just go. And the real me is scattered about somewhere. I fear the severed pieces of me will never come together again. That I’ll just get used to feeling so disconnected, disassociated, and numb. I’m doing my best to still live despite feeling this way. But I find that I’m not living with a sense of purpose or intentionality. Just more-so existing. Hoping to finally feel something…anything, again. I fear I won’t be able to recollect my 20’s. Cause everything is a blur.