it all gets figured out, doesn’t it?

Many times we don’t realize that when we graduate from one level, we become a beginner again in the new level. Sometimes it feels like we’re starting over and in a lot of ways we are. New levels require new skills, new thoughts, new processes, and new ways of being. In so many ways I feel like I’m being stripped. Like I’m having to reassess what things mean to me and if they should have any meaning at all. Everything just…is.

I am no stranger to rebirth, metamorphoses, and the like. I feel like I’m entering the cocoon again with my upgraded wings. I feel called to retreat. To really focus on myself and to rebuild/build anew and recommit to my life. It’s like I’m starting from scratch/ground zero and have a (somewhat) clean slate. I find myself seeking and searching while also getting still and silent with myself. What do I want? What do I need? What feels true to and for me? What do I even care about anymore? The older I get, the less cares I find myself having. I am falling in love with simplicity again and it didn’t have to seduce me or sell me anything. It just is. And in its rawness, it is so satisfying and so sweet.

I haven’t given up on my dreams, I just think I dream a little differently now. At the core of my existence, I just want to “be.” And I believe by “being,” the doing and having will be inevitable byproducts. I used to do - have - then allowed myself to be with whatever was left. I’ve experienced so many crumbs of myself as a result, and I’ve decided that’s no way to live. I feel like I’ve reached the end of myself and am turning back around to get acquainted with all that I am from this view, this level. Like I’m seeing myself for the first time while knowing all the history we share. I suppose I’m turning over a new page. Closing one chapter and entering another. Saying goodbye to what was once unknown and hello to what is now unknown. It all gets figured out, doesn’t it? We find a home for every era of our existence. We unravel, we get tangled, we dance, we make more room, we shed, we release, we accept, we dust it off, we give it away, we wish we hadn't, we cry, we laugh, we reflect, we find a place for it all. Because where else will we go? We must make room for ourselves and stick with ourselves through the souvenirs and scars we collect on our journey.

My heart beats new as if it has never been wounded or weary. I believe every part of us regenerates. And so, with wisdom, I give anything unresolved the time and space to turn itself inside out. Because one day my reflection will house (with clarity) the things that currently feel like a question mark.